I will be playing Imperial Guard Catachans, members of the 4573rd Catachan Regiment, The Eye Pokers. Here is their introduction... enjoy!


Imperial Guard, Catachans Jungle Fighters (The Eye Pokers) Introduction.
Captain Wilford Lance looked down and was slightly startled by his new bars of rank. His new uniform itched like crazy and the damned cough would not go away. Looking up to the holo-screen with renewed vigor he spoke.

- Sir, permission to speak freely... off the record.

- Very well Captain, permission granted. What's on your mind, son?
replied the three-star General, while his grim demeanor turned slightly softer.

- Why the fuck have we been shipped here? I served under your command at Catachan repelling the latest invasion of the chaos filth, during Medusa V it was the team under your command that I was assigned to who captured the second Death Leaper and finally at Mussel Province the Eye Pokers managed to retain the Green Tide long enough for the pretty boys to take the credit. Not only YOU promoted me to Captain, but awarded me full Administrative Rank! Assigned a new group of men for what? This shit? Not even the fucking Empero...

- Watch you mouth soldier!
interrupted the pious General.

- My apologies. Not even the holy Emperor knows where we are. This place is a dump! We are babysitting civilian egg-heads in a remote moon? FUCK THIS! How is that this shit hole any reward for my efforts? I did not even wanted a promotion in the first place!

- Are you finished, you overgrown baby? Since this conversation is not happening, I will take some of my time to let you on the scoop. That, and because I like you. It is true that the Eye Pokers did a superb job at Mussel... but they got pretty much eradicated. Reduced to a meager 9.8% fighting strength. Usually, this would mean disbanding the Regiment. Instead, we have decided to honor the sacrifice of the men at Mussel and allow reinforcements to beef up your ranks. Remaining men from the 4921th Regiment, The Emperor's Strokers, and from the 3256th, The Grot's Vomit, will be merged with the Eye Pokers. Not only that, but the new-meat from Catachan has been assigned to join you. I guess the Eye Pokers' Regimental survival will ensure that you Grox lickers will stay in for a while.

Why on the moon of Baddur Prime? The obvious reason is that the egg-heads need some babysitting. Least obvious is that the jungle environment will not only help your men to feel more at ease, but will allow the HQ to re-train some of you clowns to dance with two feet on The Green. Only known to a lucky few at HQ... because it is Baddur Prime.

The Captain looked puzzled while the General chuckled.

- Did you had a nasty case of Mussel's flu?

- Uhhh... yes, Sir. I was starting to cry blood. How did you know?

- Speckles. The little traitor did not care much for your threat of spitting on his recaff. Based on medical data, you had less than 20 days before joining The Emperor at his bosom. Yet, you managed to survive 15 days in stasis and 12 days on active duty. I bet my command that not only none of your teeth have fallen out, but that you are well in your way to health.

Lance was shocked. He thought it was pure luck that he was healing.
- You are right Sir. I feel as good as ever. I guess that luck had nothing to do with this. Speaking of luck, Speckles should be thankful to his lucky charm... as this conversation is just a dream I won't have to give him a Catachan Kiss. So... what's the deal?

- Baddur Prime, as well as its moon 'The Green Sea', have some kind of energy that promotes well being. None of this heretical magikal crap cures. It is just that people at that miserable planet tend to be... happier. Troubles seem to be minimized and natural healing tends to go better. The medical personnel can't account for it... we just know it happens. We have been using this location to regroup forces, and give them some time to recover before sending them to a new theater of war. I believe that the construction of the Sensory Array 738 and its protection is nothing but a sham... a hoodwink, so we can gather forces here without the enemy knowing better. The Eye Pokers deserved the best... so they got the best. I take care of my own. Once the men are recovered and the Regiment is back at full strength, you will be shipped to the next assignment.

Then again, you are drunk as a skunk and in your alcoholic delirium you are imagining this conversation.

- Schizophrenia, Sir. I believe that is how Medical-Servitor calls what I have. Making shit up all day.

- Command, as you will learn, is a heavy burden. Hope you carry it well. Time to wake up...

With that, the General unapologetically terminated the transmission. The new Captain looked out the window, and saw the Navy battle-barge Inconsistus going to Warp. The General was now gone, but he was not alone. His Commanding Officer was on the base, as well as his Junior Aids; he would have to learn to deal with the pencil-pushers. Suddenly Sergeant Barrent entered the open communications room. He was a huge man. Some people confused him with an Ogryn, until he started barking orders. He was already a veteran Sergeant when Captain Lance was a raw-recruit. Men under his guidance trusted 'old barrel' implicitly; his insight to the enemy was uncanny. Between his cigar and his heavy chested frame, he could not sneak up to a lamp post but he knew what to do.

- You called, Sir?

- Yes, Sarge... come in. Barrel, how long have we know each other? Six years? No matter... how is that you turned the promotion down?

- Well... Sir. To tell you the truth, I care nothing for the shit-heads of HQ. They issue orders that make no sense... and I rather remain a Sergeant in Administrative Rank, but a 5-star General with my men. Of course... you are not on my shit list, yet. I guess it will be OK to do as you tell me... unless you pull something stupid... then I will just put my Commissar's hat! Problem solved!
Both men grinned... they were both aware of what happened to Commissar Hicks at Medusa V.

- Because of YOU, I'm stuck on the big chair; that makes you an ass hole. Between that and the manner you address me, I should have you court marshaled and executed. Then again, only my second in command should be allowed to do so. What? Don't look at me that way! I'm new to command, and I need someone I can trust by my side. I can trick the raw-meat, but the vets will trust only you. Command is a bitch... enjoy ridding it. That will be all, Lieutenant.

Ohh... by the way. I already filled a formal complaint on your behave with Catachan HQ regarding the Field Promotion, requesting a formal panel in 4 weeks. Too bad you will not be able to make it back on time. Of course, you can always request to be re-scheduled. You are dismissed.

He though the Captain pulled a great move on him. The newly appointed Lieutenant knew that requesting any changes to the complaint would mean an admission of guilt. He was stuck with the promotion. Reaching on his back pocket, he put an old tattered Commissar's hat. Marching out the room, he mumbled loud enough for Lance to hear...

- Let the stupidity begin!

Not how I think of catachans but still THAT WAS FRIGGIN FUNNY! Eye Pokers is well aslo funny but I gotta say that I would have never called them that. I would hafe thought of Hellbers Hellbringers, Flyn's Firewalkers or somethin' down that line.
Anyway good luck.

dwi

Glad you liked it.

I agree with you on the name... it is not a 'serious' or 'cool' name. The reason? Well, after each Regiment is formed they give them a number and a powerful name. Each regiment is composed of tens of thousands of men. The story is about 4573rd Catachan Regiment. The joke is that by now, they have ran out of the cool names. They are also tied by Regimental name with the Special Character, Leon.

Rather than being a bunch of silent-type brutes, which makes for minimal writing, I decided to portray the Officers as the newbies they are. To me, this is the very beginning of THEIR story. The fact that they got their asses whipped on their first battle (and that they did not behaved like Catachans!) shows their inexperience. As time goes by, and the Officers gain experience and skills, you will see Captain Lance become more aggressive and confident.

Anyway... its all in good fun!